Today, I had the opportunity to take my little sister and her friend to Especially For Youth at BYU. Christina and I picked them up from the SLC Airport and I brought them to the parking lot across from the Lavell Edward Stadium to check in.
On the way, I was listening to the girls chattering in the backseat and was interested to hear what was being discussed. Anna's friend said something to the effect of, "If I had a boyfriend and we broke up, I would want the breakup to be mutual." She went on to list the reasons why this would be an ideal circumstance. It would clearly save a lot of pain and everyone would be happy.
As I listened to them talk, I found myself remembering a younger me, one who was determined at age 20 never to date seriously again until I found my husband. I came to this decision because I realized that breaking up was WAY too hard to do.
My first breakup was earth shattering. Ultimately, I told him I was not ready to be married and he was kind and gentle. It didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out and refusing to leave the house for a year after. I knew that I never wanted to date again because it caused too much heartache when it ended.
What kills me now is how much I really believed that I could control my dating life. I thought I'd meet "him" and know immediately if it was or wasn't worth pursuing all the way to marriage. I figured the connection would be so strong that we would never question whether or not it was right. It seemed so simple and valient.
As it turned out, I had so much less control than I could have imagined at the time. In the 7 years since I made that bold decision, and after well over 20 blind dates, I have met several men with whom I really felt I found "the connection." I learned the hard way, however, that it wasn't all up to me. I've been out with a few other guys who felt a connection with me, but I didn't have the same reaction. I've also been in a couple relationships where we both wanted it to be right. We eventually realized it wasn't, but not before investing an enormous amount of ourselves into trying. Each circumstance is painful, no matter who initiates the termination.
2 years ago, after my engagement ended, I remember my friend Mollie saying, "I know it hurts. And you'll probably date many more guys and get hurt again. But you have to keep trying." As her words sunk in, my insides screamed, "No! NO! I'm almost 25 years old!! I can't go through this again. I WON'T go through this again!" As it turns out, I've felt pain over other guys since then. She was right. I guess, yet again, I didn't have control like I thought I would.
The moral of the story is that relationships are so much more complicated than I thought when I was 14 years old and planning my perfect husband, proposal, and wedding in my spare time. I had scheduled myself to be married no older than age 24. But I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer predict my future. I can only strive to create the best future I can and hope the stars will align one day so that what's outside of my control will fall into step with what's in my control. A little miracle.
I walked away from that experience in the car on the way to EFY aching a little bit for the inevitable growing pains facing my baby sister and her friend. We all make sense of love and relationships through our own experiences, the bitter with the sweet. The hurt is unavoidable. The path is rocky. The older you get, the more complicated you realize it is.
But, from what I understand, if I work hard enough at it, it will one day all be worth it.
Thanks to the ingenious ideas and brawn of the man above, we were able to create the fort below in honor of Tessa's arrival in Provo, Utah! (And no, Lane was not invited to the sleepover). This is the first time she has been back since she moved to Cheyenne, Wyoming 3 months ago! We were giddy!
In our fort, and in honor of our roommates, we made wedding binders, looked at wedding invitations, and toasted our friendship.
Then, we went up to my room and painted nails (I had to test out all three colors I bought)...
